On Twilight And The Questions I Have

On Sex:

Edward Cullen is a vampire; he's freezing cold, how does that feel good for a woman?

Vampires are made out of granite or diamonds or something, wouldn't Edward and his glistening, diamond dick rip Bella to shreds?

Vampires have semen?

Vampires don't have blood, right? Then how does Edward get an erection to have a baby with Bella anyway?

On Powers:

If vampires have superhuman strong teeth and jaws, how come they just break the skin, and don't bite right through the arm. I mean, James broke Bella's leg just by pressing on it.

Edward is always driving a car. But he's superfast. Is this to seem normal? Why doesn't he just run. Most of the time it's just because he's pissed off at Jacob when he shows up in a car.

On Food:

Is it really appropriate for vampires to call themselves vegetarians because they eat animals and not humans? That's kind of like vegans and vegetarians who eat fish "because it's not meat"

Any human food vampires eat they must cough up because they cannot digest it. What about liquids? Does Edward have to cough up Bella's spit after they kiss?

Why do the Cullen's have a huge, bad ass kitchen filled with all kinds of kitchen appliances, tools, and cookware if they don't ever need to eat?

Do the Italian police really not notice that tour groups in Volterra regularly disappear?

How do people from Volterra not notice that the Volturi haven't aged over thousands of years?

How do people have claimed to "vanquish" vampires from the city? They never get suspicious that daily, dozens of people die when they go to the Volturi Castle? No one's suspicious.


When werewolves change, their shorts are shredded, but when they change back to humans their shorts are magically repaired. What gives?

On Acting:

Does Kristen Stewart really always need to look like she's going to hurl? It's like she's watching the nude scenes in The Room.

Charlie's mustache does an excellent job acting as a mustache. Brava!

Kristen Stewart doesn't always have to look pained and stammer, you know. Just sayin'

Why don't Edward and Bella ever look at each other? They're always looking off to the side, or down.

On Assimilation:

Carisle is a practicing doctor. One would assume he's licensed, et cetera. Does no one notice he's been paying dues since doctors started needing to pay them?

In the same vein (I think that's right?), the IRS never notices that he's been filing taxes for several hundred years? One would imagine that, at the very least, this would increase his odds of being audited. At some point, one has to assume the IRS would find out about his whole being a vampire thing. Then maybe the Volturi could nail him.

As Americans, all of them should have social security numbers, I'd imagine. If Carlisle claims any of them as dependents for taxes, they'd definitely need social security numbers. Carlisle probably has had one since 1936, when they were first introduced, since he's been working as a doctor since at least before 1920, when he "turned" Edward. Does the Social Security Administration and the IRS never notice this discrepancy?

What about the reuse of social security numbers. It would seem that at some point this would affect the Cullens.


How does Bella marry Edward? This marriage can't possibly be legal. And what of their half-breed child, Renesmee? Is this child registered with the government? So on and so forth.

Why do the Cullen's attend school? They don't have to, it seems like they're trying to go out of their way to show vampires are real. I'd think that living in the public, attending school (except in good weather), and the like only go against the whole vampire code of not letting humans know vampires exist.

How do they even attend school? There is paperwork and stuff necessary for attending school. And when they move, you'd assume they'd request school records. Do the Cullen's just lie and say they're incoming freshman? Considering how old they all look, I'd find it hard that hard to believe. So if they are attending as seventeen-year-olds, wouldn't they need transfer records?

The Cullen's must forge an awful lot of paperwork. Schools, taxes, mortgages, bank info, et cetera.

On Death, and Stuff:

When humans are turned into vampires, then what? By that I mean, what of their human bodies? Are they forever referred to as "missing persons?"

When they assume the name, "Cullen" that's not going to get them very far. I mean, they'd have no documentation whatsoever. I understand in the last book, Bella and Edward go on their Honeymoon off the coast of South America. How does a Vampire get a passport? Edward went to Italy, too.

Do vampires just walk across the ocean, or do they use their super speed to circumvent border security? (Note: I wonder how Fox News feels about this)

Bella becomes a vampire. She must "go missing" or something. Honestly, how do they get away with this? Charlie would never stop looking for her. Are we supposed to believe that her family will just let her go? Does she "die" but they never see a body?


Clicking below and purchasing means a small percentage of the sale goes to me, fyi. They are the single disc editions, at around $10 apiece.

Wiseau Fridays: On Planning Too Much

Click on the player below to hear the quote from the movie:


Well, it's Friday again (already?) and that means it's time for another installment of Wiseau Fridays. I won't go into detail about The Room here, for that you can read my post about it here. Maybe one of these weeks I will give the movie a proper review or synopsis.

In this drawing, and scene of the movie, Johnny (Tommy Wiseau's character) is giving advice to Denny, his neighbor and pseudo-adopted son. I can't recall exactly the relevance, but the advice is sound, "Denny, don't plan too much; it may not come out right!" Truer words were never spoken. Okay, maybe they were, but this is seriously sound advice.

I think sometimes people plan too much, even planning so much that they don't actually, you know, live. so live a little and when you are doing things you enjoy, don't stress about other things. Pay attention! When you're shopping (grocery or present) focus on that. Don't run down a litany of things you really ought to be doing instead. We've come to this stage in our lives where the world doesn't close. Everything is open twenty-four hours a day, we're in constant communication via Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, and cell phones. You get out of work at five? Not really, and especially if you are a salaried worker. Lots of times they'll even get you a cell phone to inconvenience you at all hours of the day with, yes, more work. And that means more stress. Of course where I live, in Woodbury, once nine o'clock rolls around you can't even so much as get a gallon of milk or gas.

Even so, just because some towns may be a little more low key than others, doesn't mean that we don't still have dozens of people pulling us in dozens more directions; sadly, the more people you know the more thin you're spread. Personally, I need more than a thin layer of butter on my toast.

So settle down, don't stress out over every. little. thing. It's going to be okay if you don't I promise. Besides, no matter how much you plan, sometimes, no matter how sure you are, it just doesn't turn out right. And that, my friend, is the truth.


Click the image below to purchase the movie, it'd really good and only seven dollars.

Introducing Wiseau Fridays!

A classic scene from a classic movie

"You're tearing me apart, Lisa" audio from The Room (Click to play)


Every once in a while a movie comes along, different, unorthodox, unappreciated, but a masterpiece; The Room is one such movie. Bear with me here, I understand you're probably wondering to yourself how you've never heard of this movie. Or maybe you've seen it and disagree. Watch it again. Sure, The Room may not be as polished as The Lord of the Rings trilogy. It may lack the convoluted forethought that was Star Wars. But it was filmed with two cameras! Film and digital! 


The Room was released in 2003, with a budget of seven million dollars (from what I've read). It was written, directed, produced, and distributed by Tommy Wiseau; consider that for a moment. Imagine funding, writing, acting, directing, producing, and distributing a movie and you'll understand the many hats of Tommy Wiseau. The man is made of steel. Weird, grotesquely bumpy steel, but steel nonetheless. Tommy is an American, and refers to himself as such but is a worldly man. He has lived in France and many other European countries throughout his life. I think the many places he's lived have all contributed slight variances to the dialect that is Tommy Wiseau. Listening to him speak, you'd never know where he was from. He looks kind of Italian, sounds sort of like Jean-Claude Van Damme, and that is uniquely American.

I'm not going to give a synopsis of The Room, just know that you should see it. But don't watch it alone. The Room is a dish best served to a group. It's kind of an experience to see the movie with a group of people. Having achieved cult status, The Room garners midnight premieres on a regular, recurring basis in Los Angeles and I believe that to be the gold standard ideal way to see it. Think Star Wars or Harry Potter on opening night at midnight, and that's the kind of devoted fan base The Room has garnered. That said, buy the movie, it's really a movie everyone should own. I rented it once and have had a definite longing for it since. After a recent gathering of people to screen The Room (sorry we didn't ask permission, Tommy), we remembered just how much we like the movie and will be getting it.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scream in empathetic anger, and you might even get a little turned on.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa; you dirty tramp.

Buy the Room from Amazon (it's the cheapest there) using the link below and a small percentage of the sale will go to me =)