Babies Are Probably A Nuisance

Awhile back, I read this book. A lot of people read it, actually. I'm not going to lie, most people read it because of its name. And I'm not going to lie, it drew me in, too.

But anybody can write a book with a clever name. And a great many people could write a great book with a clever name.

But for people to deny this book its accolades because of a minor gripe they have with it is absurdist thinking. The art in this book is beautiful. I'm not going to spoil it and post a bunch of pictures, so you get just the one (and that is a crop, too, that is a small part of a two-page spread. You should buy this book to see the rest. It may not be the best to read to your child, but you can always read it to your significant other if the night is going as planned. It should brighten things up a tad.

Or you could give it as a gift to a newly preggers person with a sense of humor. Despite what you may read, I don't think this is a book for hipsters; I think it's a book for everyone. Well, everyone who has had, or is having, kids.

If all else fails, you could listen to the one and only Samuel L. Jackson narrate it:

Doughnuts: Perhaps The Most Delicious Food On Earth. Perhaps.

There is something uniquely magical about doughnuts. I don't get doughnuts often, since they're not exactly the healthiest thing for you, but any time I wander my way into a Dunkin' Donuts, I am drawn to Boston Creme.

I've long wanted to make my own, for many reasons, but mainly because doughnuts are absolutely friggin' delicious. Also, I think doughnuts runs in every New Englanders veins, much like that of maple syrup in that of those in Vermont. No wonder Bernie Sanders is so awesome.

For Christmas, I received Flour, which is the eponymous cookbook put out by the restaurant (Flour, obviously).




In the cookbook was a recipe for doughnuts. Aside from eclairs, this is the recipe I felt I needed to make as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I lacked a few important items. First, I had no round cutters, which is kind of important when you're making doughnuts which are, you know, round. And as for eclairs, I also did not have any kind of piping tools. Now, I have both, so I am certainly looking forward to making some eclairs, like, now.



Making doughnuts is surprisingly easy, though it does require a few things.

First, you are going to need ingredients, obviously. These are all standard baking stuffs, so I wouldn't worry too much. Flour, butter, milk, eggs, and the like. If you bake, you most certainly have what you need.

As far as tools, you'll need a way to roll out dough. Either a French rolling pin or a standard. I like the aesthetics of a french pin, but I make do with a regular old rolling pin.

You'll also be needing a way to cut the doughnuts. You can either use round cookie cutters, or a special doughnut cutter. Personally, I'm happy with my round cookie cutters. They come in various sizes from about 3/4 of an inch to three-and-a-half inches. I like that they are multipurpose, whereas doughnut cutters really only serve to, well, cut out doughnuts. The choice is yours.

Since doughnuts are fried (yes, there are also baked cake doughnuts, but those are different), you're going to need a way to fry them. You can either use a deep fryer, if you have one, or a heavy pot.

The benefits to a fryer, is temperature control. Since they have a temperature dial on them, you can maintain a regular temperature. But, the downside is that you may not be able to fit as many doughnuts in. I could fit only two at best in mine.

Heavy stock pots, like Le Creuset, Staub, or Lodge will also work fabulously. Obviously these are expensive, but they can be used for so many different things. Besides, they look good. Fryers aren't exact;y the most beautiful kitchen artifacts. This method, is a bit trickier, though since you have no temperature dials. You can use an oil/candy thermometer, or throw in a dash of flour into the oil. When it sizzles, your oil is ready.



The nice thing about making your own goodies is that you know what goes into them, and that you don't have to waste anything. The "holes" can become little munchkins or donettes. Even the scraps can be recycled into new dough for new doughnuts. There wasn't a single scrap of dough that went to waste. which was nice. I ended up with nine doughnuts, and countless doughnut holes, which are a good snack. The nice thing about the doughnut holes is that they tend to turn themselves over when the other half needs to be fried. Not many foods cook themselves. How awesome are doughnuts?



We made some doughnuts plain, some were coated with sugar, and some were coated with cinnamon sugar-- probably one of the tastiest combinations you can imagine.



The recipe takes about two days. The first day is just making the dough. This takes maybe ten to fifteen minutes. Wrapping up the dough to let it rest and retard overnight is all you have to do afterwards. The next day, you just take the dough out, cut out the doughnuts, and let it rest for a couple hours in a warm spot. Next, you get to frying, doing each side for two to three minutes. Doughnut holes may take a bit less time.



Recipe for Doughnuts, from Flour, very ever-so-slightly altered. (By the way, this cookbook is awesome, I can't recommend it enough)

Ingredients:
2 1/2 tsp active dry yeast (or 1 package)
2/3 cup milk, at room temperature. I used skim since it's all we had.
3 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour. I like King Arthur Flour
1 1/3 cup sugar (1/3 for the recipe, 1 cup for the coating)
2 tsp kosher salt (If using table salt, use half this amount since it is finer.)
3 eggs (large)
7 tablespoons of butter, at room temperature, cut into eight or so pieces.
Canola Oil (for frying, you'll need enough to fill your pot/fryer with 3 inches of oil. Think half-gallon)

Directions:

- In a stand mixer (or a hand mixer), combine the milk and yeast, stirring briefly, letting it stand for a minute to dissolve.

- Add the flour, 1/3 cup sugar, salt, and eggs and mix on low speed for about a minute (or until the dough comes together).

- Continue mixing on low speed for another two to three minutes to develop the dough further, and begin adding the hunks of butter one or two at a time until the butter is fully incorporated, and the dough is soft and cohesive. This should take about five minutes or so.

- Remove the dough from the bowl (a spatula or dough scraper works well) and wrap tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least six hours, though overnight works well if you are doing this at night.

Day 2

- Lightly flour a baking sheet or two, and flour your work surface well. You don't want the dough sticking to your counter, right?

- Roll the dough out until it is 1/2 inch thick. This will be about a square foot, but if yours is more rectangular shaped than square, don't feel so bad.

- Using your doughnut cutters, cut out the doughnuts and place them on the baking sheet. Make sure the holes are close to the center. I don't think asymmetrical doughnuts qualify as modern art. Also, feel free to experiment with different sized cutters for smaller or larger doughnuts. When you run out of space to cut doughnuts, roll it back into a somewhat singular form and recut. You'll probably be able to get another doughnut or so out of the scraps. Or you could throw those scraps away, but think of the starving children when you do it, you bastard.

- Cover your doughnuts with plastic wrap (loosely, but so no air gets in) and place them in a warm area to rise for two to three hours. They should double in size and be slightly springy to the touch. Think poufy.

- After this agonizing wait, line a tray, baking sheet, or in my case a pizza pan with paper towels. Unless you like oily doughnuts, then by all means...

- Fill your fryer according to its directions, or a heavy saucepan to a depth of three inches and heat on medium-high heat. You want the oil at 350 degrees, so if you have a candy thermometer now is a good time to use it, just be careful. If you do not have a thermometer, toss a few flecks of flour into the oil. If it sizzles like a little boy doing a jig at a wedding, your oil is ready.

- Slowly place the doughnuts into the oil, one or two at a time. Fry each side for two to three minutes until brown (flipping carefully after the first side finishes).

- Don't dump anything into hot oil. You really don't want to burn yourself. You want to enjoy the doughnuts, right? Also, don't crowd the doughnuts, they won't fry as well, and we want these suckers perfect, don't we?

- Using a slotted spoon, or a wire mesh-like spoon thing, slowly extract the doughnuts from the oil and place them on the paper towels. I'd avoid using plastic utensils, since they could very possibly melt, and plastic doughnuts, while tantalizing, do not say "yummy" to me. I used metal tongs, since we don't have a slotted spoon or anything.

- While you wait for this magic to happen, fill a bowl with the one cup of sugar, or cinnamon sugar, or anything else you want to coat them with.

- Once cool enough to handle, toss the doughnuts in the sugar, cinnamon sugar, etc until coated to your liking. Some may like the completely embedded in sugar look, while other may prefer a light dusting, so coat to taste. I find that the munchkin doughnut holes are a good test for this.

- Set the coated doughnuts to cool on the paper towels for half an hour or so. You don't want to eat them when they are overly hot or when they are slightly doughy, so just be patient. Don't worry, it's worth it.

- If you are impatient, feel free to snack on some munchkins while you fry up the rest of the doughnuts. These seem to take less time to cool.

- Enjoy!


For the record, you want the oil at 350 Degrees Fahrenheit

winnie the pooh

There's some magic in listening to a child tell a story. Children are untouched by the world in that their naiveté is a gift.

Children aren't afraid of sounding ridiculous or uncool, because they don't know what it means to be lame. They aren't afraid of how they are perceived the way the rest of us do, and that is beautiful.

First of all, this girl is adorable. I'm guessing she is French, and little kids with accents always sound adorable (even German!). She has wide eyes, and a cute little cropped haircut reminiscent of Krissy's.

Second, I'm not very familiar with Winnie-the-Pooh, I never attached myself to the story the way some people do, so some of my observations may be incorrect; if they are, pardon me.

I don't think the story has bats in it, but maybe it should. Bats are a natural part of the "circle of life" and they would cut down on the rodent population. That would mean more carrots for rabbit, no?

The way she says crocodiles, hippos, and giraffes is just too much, I'm sorry.

Oddly enough, she mentions poor, homeless animals, and putting them in jail. This is actually something we did, and something that The New Deal did away with. Unfortunately, the way poverty is rising among the elderly lately, that past may not be such a distant reality.

Part of the fun of listening to children tell stories is how linear they are. I don't mean they lack depth, because that's not true. What I mean is, they will just talk, and improvise. Like how Tigger found the monkeys, then he wanted strawberries, then there was a fight, and apparently Aslan was there with a helmet and a sword. People should really have children wrote movie scripts, I'd definitely go see a movie written by a child.

Midway through the video, something is telling me this is about Schnappi das kleiner crokodil.

Snow...And Dorks

We got a lot of snow. Again. Apparently, we got 30" or so, and after shoveling it and walking in it, I'm going to have to agree. Walking through the snow, it went above my knees, and shoveling the snow, there were definitely some areas that had a really large amount of snow. But that's okay. I like snow. I like shoveling snow. I just don't like the small talk that goes along with it.

"A lot of snow, huh?" No, actually, It seems like more of a dusting to me, and the blood in the Saw franchise is more akin to a pin prick than anything more substantial. Of course there's a lot of snow. You can literally see the snow. You can see the piles of snow reaching five, six feet high. It's pretty fucking obvious there's a lot of snow out there, so saying something stupid like "We got a lot of snow, huh?" doesn't really say "conversation" to me. If that sounds harsh, I'm not sorry.

Of course, none of these photos are from this storm, these are from last weeks, when we got around a foot of snow. We're dorks and wanted to play in the snow. Me, being a really big dork, I decided to set up my strobe in our room to take some pictures. I was just kind of hoping to take some pictures that didn't totally suck. By that time, it's basically pitch black, and I figured having a nice, bright light source should make for some magical moments. Actually, I just wanted to take pictures of the snow. And I was going to take what I could get. Fortunately, it kind of worked out.

I really like the picture above. You can see the flash blowing out the window, and how much it lit up the yard. Krissy is running back to the house, probably t fetch some snow or something. I really like the nice, hard rim light around her hat. And the warmth of the lamp, while a bit jarring, adds a nice warm feeling to the photo. Winter is cold, the photos are cold, but I think that small touches of warm colors like that make them stand out a bit more. Ideally, I could have had a bit more warm tones in there, but oh well. For a snapshot, I really like it.

This is me. I'm probably getting ready to pick up some snow, or clapping my hands together, because that's how I roll. I like the light on my back, it has a very soft feel despite the light source being very hard. I found that the white snow everywhere was very forgiving, which was awesome, because the light meandered its way to places it otherwise would not have.

I got a gift card for the Gap, and I got that sweatshirt with it. Gap is ridiculously expensive considering the low quality of their clothing. I think the retail for that sweatshirt was around $70. Already some thread was coming undone and needed to be repaired. Also, it's not very thick. I really don't see how they could value it at that price. I think I paid around $30 for it, and even that is asking a lot. If it was my money, I would have left.

This is me throwing snow in the air. You can't see my face, obviously, but it's me, trust me, I ought to know.

Here's me again, I like the rim light here too. It has a weird holy kind of feel to it, which to me is peaceful. But I can see how someone would look at this and think it's kind of creepy. Ideally, I'd have had another light to light the front of me, but lights and water do not mix. I'd rather not obliterate my nice strobes, thank you very much.

Krissy took this one (and the others, except for the first one). I like it. It's a bit out of focus, but there's just something about it that I like. Also, my autofocus wasn't working at all for some reason. I attribute it to the cold, or the snow, so focusing was kind of a pain in the ass, considering how dark it was.

This is Krissy. I have to be pretty selective in what photos I show, and I think this one passed through her filter because you cannot really see her face. I love this picture though. She is smiling, and her hat is like, perfectly centered in the frame, and it really pops, color wise. The rim light around it only serves to accentuate it even more. And there's a little bit of overlap from it on her (camera side) shoulder, which I adore. 

This is from the first snowstorm, on the 26th (Boxing Day). I took this almost as an afterthought at the last minute before heading inside. I just wanted to take a picture of the snow falling, and I like how it turned out. It's nothing spectacular, but I like the ambiance of it. The photo is very wintry, which is what it is intended to portray.

Here is the same storm, as seen from the front door. These are steps which have been pretty much leveled off in snow. I think this storm was around 8-12 inches. This was the first experiment with the strobe, too. It was very awkward, and involved a boom (which we decided not to use) and Krissy, the most beautiful light stand ever. I only took a few photos, because I felt bad for her holding my light, and I didn't want to go traipsing through the snow.

The color in this one is weird, but I posted it anyway. This is what's nice about snow being white, the light bounces everywhere. This is below the window, so it might not have been lit up otherwise. I like it. It's a nice snapshot of the Christmas storm.

Bakerella has nothing on these. The red velvet recipe made for a delicious cake that, when combines with the frosting, created the richest, most amazing sweet ever. The frosting basically tasted like cheesecake, so when you bite in, you get a cakey texture, with the chocolate, that gives way to...cheesecake. They were quite decadent, but really yummy.

Obviously my technique for coating them could use some work, though I prefer things to look a little sloppy sometimes. Sure, sometimes perfection looks delicious and tasty, but it kind of makes you not want to eat it. With these, they're a bit messy and sloppy, so no one feels bad about messing up the perfect exteriors. They are more inviting. They say, "Eat me. I'm delicious. You know you want to."

Marshmallows. This time around, they were really sticky. And they worked their way all the way up the attachments. It actually was pretty amusing to watch. Of course, they were delicious. Peppermint marshmallows, yummy. Too bad everyone had to wait a week to eat them due to the snow, though.

My attempt at a chocolate confection. I don't like dark chocolate, but I actually kinda liked it. Salt makes chocolate better. Always. (Actually, it makes everything better, but chocolate especially). The picture looks like a turd, though, which makes it kind of funny.

This is what we all look like after Christmas, and getting snowed in. If only the oven wasn't obliterated and falling apart (literally), I could maybe make some goodies to go along with the bread I made last night. (Note: using the broiler to bake bread because the heating coil on the bottom fell apart is not the best method to bake bread, but it kind of works, if you're patient and pay attention.)

Baby Animals Are Adorable, No?

Baby cheetah is cute.

Who doesn't love baby animals, right? There's something especially cute about baby animals that. when adults, will tear your face off. Unfortunately, there are some (let's call them mentally deficient) people who seem to ignore the fact that while bobcats may be cute, they have paws the size of my face.

This brings me to this little guy:

 

This fine young  lad is a Savannah, and the one cat I really, really want. Unfortunately they may be illegal in Connecticut. See, technically the Savannah is a hybrid cat. But what cats aren't. tight? Well, the part that makes it illegal, from what I understand, is that part of it's hybridity (I totally made that word up) is that its daddy is a Serval, and Servals are wild cats. Lamesauce. By the way. the mommy is a domestic Siamese. Picture that, big, male Serval mating with a wee little Siamese. Yeoch. I imagine it'd look something like this:

 

A few things I would like to point out:

• Yes, that is a full-sized adult male holding a Savannah; they are huge!
• Please tell me you see that painting in the background. Epic.It looks like a naked lady straddling a basilisk. I want it. (the painting, not the lady)

Savannah's tend to weigh around 10-15 pounds but can weigh up to 20. If you have a fat cat like some people maybe they can weigh more. The Guinness record for the biggest cat is a Savannah (18 inches tall  and almost 42 inches long). Yowza.

I think my favorite trait of the Savannah, though, is it's basically a dog. Imagine all the best traits of a dog with some of the more mischievous characteristics of a cat, and you have a Savannah. The cats are very playful, and can be trained, much like a dog. They will follow around their owners and are extremely loyal, whereas cats always seem like they're holding out for something better.

Savannah's greet people with head butts (as does our beloved Meatball)


and sometimes they can actually pounce. But this is more of a "Hi! pleased to meet you!" kind of pounce, not the more treacherous "Die! I'm going to rip you to shreds and eat your carcass" kind of pounce you need to be afraid of with other cats.

Savannah's are incredibly smart, managing to open doors, cupboards, and anything else they can get their paws on or into (See, little troublemakers!). Oh, and from a standing position they can jump 8 feet! Eat your heart out LeBron, there's a new king in town.

You know what cats hate more than anything else? That's right, water. Except Savannah's don't! They actually love water. Just like dogs, Savannah's will frolic and swim in water and, believe it or not, you can actually shower with them. It sounds bizarre, I know, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable doing it, but apparently a lot of Savannah owners do it. I think cats are a little to prone to swatting though, if you know what I mean.

I don't think they should be illegal. Sure they look scary (compared to most domestic cats) but they're pretty harmless. Unfortunately, Connecticut likens them to Grizzly Bears:

Possession of potentially dangerous animal. Bill for costs of confiscation. Civil penalty.
For the purposes of this section, the following wildlife, or any hybrid thereof, shall be considered as potentially dangerous animals: The felidae, including, but not limited to, the lion, leopard, cheetah, jaguar, ocelot, jaguarundi cat, puma, lynx and bobcat; the canidae, including, but not limited to, the wolf and coyote; and the ursidae, including, but not limited to, the black bear, grizzly bear and brown bear.

That's right, owning this sweet cat is just like owning a pet wolf, bear, or lion. True Story. It just makes me want to break the law though, or move to another state.

Here kitty, kitty. Maybe one day I will own one of you, but for now I guess I'm out of luck.